As a good relationship counselor, you must have a deep understanding of love. In love, there are many difficult to solve the problem, or contradictions, we call it the love paradox. In this lesson we will talk about the paradoxes of love to help us understand the internal logic and find their solutions.
1. Love -- the game where you run after her
In love, there is always such a situation, you like people, do not like you, and like you people, you do not like. And why is that?
There are two reasons
One is the psychology of upward selection. People’s love choices are always looking for something better than themselves, misorientation, poor judgment of their own value, and misguided romantic dramas all contribute to this problem.
Two, the alternative is overexposure to the need.
I have a friend who has a girl he likes, and he knows she has a little crush on him, but clearly it only takes interaction to warm up two people, but he thought, clearly the other party is interested in me, why not be direct, so they chase after each other, trying to push the relationship forward, and eventually scaring the girls away.
What he doesn’t know, Eat Hot Tofu Slowly, is that love is a complex process of gradual understanding and validation, overexposed to the demands of the moment, that can only result in the release of a cooked duck.
Third, lose yourself. Because the person who likes the other person more, doesn’t know how to keep a straight mind, is over-involved in emotion, is worried about loss and gain, doesn’t know what to do, presents an abnormal self in front of the other person, and also loses the charm of being liked by others, missed the opportunity to be truly understood, can not help but let people incomparable regret and regret.
So, love is a paradox that you run after him, sometimes to the contrary, you can not say you like a person to go after.
We often say that love by attraction, to be aloof, to push and pull, a little bit of love experience, all know that love to use certain routines, in order to successfully harvest love.
And those in love want to pay for each other through all, want to touch each other through the pay, in the end is a moth to the flame, a basket of water.
The core of our emotional counseling is this love paradox, and all the routines of our emotional counseling are centered on breaking this paradox.
2. Love without a Heart
In the process of love, the heart will give us infinite good experience, but the more heart the more easy to lose themselves, the more difficult to get love. But restrain oneself not to move, even if got love, also lost the fun of love. So how do we do that?
Why Is it that first love is so hard to remember? Why does the first love also always hurt the deepest?
Because the first love will give people never had a good experience, be unconditional worship and love, be extremely infatuated with and care, these feelings are great to meet a person’s attachment needs, give people a strong heart.
They say two people get together because they don’t know each other, and they get apart because they know each other. It is said that people in love, only show their good side, but also because the heart, so that they ignore the other side of the bad side.
On the one hand, this one-sided “Halo effect”, will let you have a kind of illusion, think you are in front of this Prince Charming is perfect, like the hero of Korean dramas.
But this kind of feeling is the result of their fantasy, get along with long, some problems will slowly revealed, advantages gradually weaken, disadvantages gradually appear. You’ll see that he’s getting further and further away from what he’s supposed to look like, and his heart will start to melt away.
If they find that they are not suitable for each other and separate, they will also be hurt more because of the huge psychological gap between before and after.
Then how to choose, depends on your view of love, in fact, there is no right and wrong. Whether you would like to enjoy the heart and bear the pain, or prefer to minimize the damage, restrain the heart, reason and choose carefully.
Of course, the former is closer to the imagination and the latter to reality. People who had less love experience were more likely to choose the former, and those who had more love experience were more likely to choose the latter.
Life is a journey, let the experience as much as possible, only then has the pleasure, only then has the meaning. We need to experience a variety of things, many times, we know is wrong, but also to do, because we need to trial and error in the continuous learning and growth.
But we also know that you shouldn’t fall in the same place twice. We all fall down and get up in the same place, over and over again, wasting a lot of time, which will greatly reduce our life experience.
So, heart, just once, love, had good. Love is an important part of life, but there are many more interesting and important things to discover and experience.
If you are serious, you lose
Some people say seriously you lose, some people say seriously to get true love. If you are in a lot of relationships at the same time, people will say you are a philanderer, but love needs careful choice, it takes a long time to really understand a person, when you find the right person is not young, how broken?
In the beginning with people, not fully understand, you only know some of his external circumstances, such as appearance, dress, manners and so on.
Many decisions about what goes on inside a relationship take time to make sense of, such as personality, habits, outlook, and so on. It also takes a long time to get to know you well enough to be emotionally invested.
In the other person has not invested much feelings, you have started all kinds of fantasies, he seems to be your life, he will not marry, not she married the perfect object.
Not only will be a mistake in judgment, lack of understanding of each other, for love buried hidden danger. It can also lead to unequal emotional input, resulting in emotional imbalance. Will also inadvertently expose their excessive sense of need, fear of loss, loss of charm. To make the other person feel pressured to stay away. This is the so-called “Serious you lose.”.
When you can be sure that he is truly giving, and is worthy of your commitment to life, then you have to give heart, heart, and soul. Only by giving heart, can you get the other person’s heart, and can you get true happiness, this is the so-called “Seriously you win.”.
So, in the early stages of a relationship, you can either use what you know about the other person and how much he or she is emotionally invested in the relationship to control the emotional input rationally, or you can reduce your own feelings of need by spreading them out to other people, the goal is to keep yourself calm and at ease.
Therefore, I always advise consultants to get along with people as friends and avoid a commitment mentality. You can approach many potential partners as friends at the same time, so that if you’re in a committed state of mind with one person, you can turn your attention to others and return to peace of mind, be smart about your choices.
Cut yourself off from other people when you know and feel certain that the person you like likes you back. If the relationship doesn’t work, reconnect with other potential partners.
Of course, when you have more than one friend at the same time, you should really get along with each other sincerely in the spirit of a friend, within the limits of a friend, to avoid misunderstanding and injury. In this way, not only can effectively control the state of mind, but also to avoid being criticized, avoid the psychological sense of guilt.
4. Why does he only want to have sex with Me
Many girls want to fall in love and have such doubts, do not know each other because just want to go to bed and pursue themselves, or because really like and pursue themselves, so do not dare to easily into love.
The logic goes like this, sex and love are an important part of love, it can not be said that in love boys want to have sex intention, that the other party motivation is not pure, may be too strong physiological needs. Don’t assume that just because someone is personable and polite, or that they are faking it, or that they have several girlfriends at the same time.
It doesn’t have to be. He just wants to sleep with you. It may be that he wants to be in a relationship with you, but later he finds out that your shortcomings, such as love making, clingy, demanding and so on, are not suitable to be together. Because a lot of people’s problems only long-term relationship, or even into the intimate relationship to be able to find.
In fact, in reality, the proportion of men cheating sex is not so large, because the cost of cheating is very high, may be retaliated, may also bring a lot of unnecessary trouble to themselves.
Moreover, the modern society people all kinds of ideas are inclusive, aboveboard about a gun is not difficult, so spend effort and expense to cheat, as aboveboard to date.
In contrast, those who aim to get laid and end up loving someone who turns out to be great and caring are likely to be the majority of the time.
So practice being good enough, and be as authentic as you can, so that the other person is more committed, not less, to you.
This would prevent what appears to be a hoax. It makes people who are in a relationship stick it out, and it makes people who are in a relationship want to date you.
When you’re really strong, you don’t think about what he’s up to, because the end result is that he’ll fall in love with you. For the weak, it’s a booty call. For the strong, it’s a booty call.
Of course, it does not rule out that there are a small number of unscrupulous institutions and organizations that teach methods and routines to be used by men to deceive and harm women. But it’s all very well-documented. I Won’t go into detail here. Ms. Bella and Ms. Tang have detailed instructions.
5. The Dregs Man Harvester
Some girls always meet the wrong guy, and some girls always meet the perfect guy. A bad choice or a bad choice? Was it fate or was it malfunctioning?
There are always girls who complain that their boyfriends have all kinds of flaws, that they are so nice to themselves when they start chasing them, that they turn into someone else when they go to bed. Start getting impatient with yourself, start getting angry with yourself, and even cheat on you.
This is somewhat similar to the friends with benefits paradox, except that the former is afraid to love because of fear, and the latter is afraid to love because of the pursuit of courage but repeated failure.
There must be some reason to meet a bad guy, such as lack of love, the lack of native family to give, let you rush from the outside to seek to make up.
Such as overflows of maternal love, the face of bad men always want to save rather than choose to give up.
For example, can not tell people, can not tell a person is true to you or hidden deception.
For example, put in the feelings found each other have male characteristics, still self-deception do not want to believe the truth, pay sunk costs, do not know how to stop the loss in time. Wait a minute. . .
But if you meet a bad guy once, it means you don’t know anyone. If you meet a bad guy twice, it means you’re out of luck. If Hui people meets a bad guy, it’s up to you to find out why.
It’s because you’re so dependent on the other person, so clingy, you don’t give them any space, you suffocate them.
Or are you too materialistic, asking your boyfriend to buy this or that, making him feel like he can’t afford you.
Or you’re too demanding, critical, critical, difficult.
Or you are full of negative energy, like complaining, lack of education, not understanding, do not know how to care and considerate of each other. Wait a minute. . .
Whatever the reason, the bottom line is that you’re not worth enough and the other person has to give up.
Originally the other side does not dregs, becomes after with you painful, helpless, exhausted, irritable. Into what you would call a douchebag.
6. Should I ask my boyfriend for a red envelope?
We all say that love is equal and that female love is at a disadvantage in love. You always want to be an independent self-reliance of their own women, and some people say that women spend men money is justified. Should a woman ask a man for money or not?
From an economic point of view, both love and marriage are an exchange of equal value.
Xue Zhaofeng teacher said: marriage, like a family business, signed, is a lifetime wholesale futures contract, both sides together to pick up their own resources to do business.
At this time, both men and women give out the resource package is not the same, have the body, fertility, appearance, family relations, have their own future growth potential.
Each person gives out a different resource package, the rhythm of time to play a different role.
Traditionally, it was women who gave earlier, gave birth, brought up the family, and took care of the family, while men played a later role, sowing the seeds on one side and harvesting on the other.
At this point, a problem will occur. It is easier for the person in the back to rip off the person in front.
So when the two parties enter this phase, the woman asks the man to give a little mortgage, in case of future marriage problems do a little cushion, do a little protection, is it wrong? That’s right!
The financial transaction of marriage and the natural differences between the sexes provide a reasonable explanation for how girls direct their partners’investments.
That same love and marriage are equal value exchange, then what is the difference? During the period of love has not yet been involved in the birth of children, gender differences do not show up, so is equal. Inequality does not manifest itself until marriage.
That is to say, the feelings are not deep enough, each other has not yet seen the future, has not yet talked about the future, made promises, signed contracts, before they start to ask for demands, negotiate terms, and negotiate more, it makes people think you are not pure purpose, do not understand the general and even mercenary.
When will that woman be able to ask a man for money? How do you ask for money openly?
In the early stages of a relationship, you also have to financial transaction that if the other person is pursuing you, it means a unilateral commitment. If you accept the other person’s pursuit, it means a tacit commitment, it is natural to accept gifts from your partner with ease, but if you are not in a long term relationship and are not sure you like them, it is cheating to guide your partner to invest.
Of course in the talk of marriage or already married, then talk about money does not hurt feelings.
7. What’s wrong with bad girls
Green tea bitches, beautiful women, know how to act like a spoiled brat, want gifts, and skillfully operate multiple relationships. The rich and high handsome men are flocking to them one after another. They are well-versed in the art of affection and know how to use emotional value to gain practical benefits, they are the envy and envy of ordinary girls. They want to be as easy to get men’s attention as they are, but despise their behavior and disdain their company.
So should we trade emotional value for economic value?
A friend of mine had a girlfriend who always said she could go on with her if she didn’t have enough fun and didn’t want to be controlled. You can have sex with each other. But don’t worry about her cloud backup.
He once admired the girl who separated sex from love, but later discovered that she couldn’t help but take her beauty for granted.
She even slept with all the suitors, some for free travel with them, some for peacetime entertainment lonely. For her, every suitor who was interested in her was a resource she could draw upon.
She did take advantage of men’s bad habits, giving them a taste of their own medicine, always thinking there was a chance to sleep on it later, and turning it into a backup resource.
Jenny asked me a question. What is it about girls being the best? I said, do not blindly take, do not cheat, rely on their own labor or ability in exchange for the need for the highest girls.
A rich man met a homeless man. He wanted to give him some money, but instead of giving him money directly, he asked him for a small favor and gave him some money as a token of his gratitude.
Why didn’t he just give it away? Because he knew that the request is a kind of cheap behavior, but the exchange only then high, the almsgiving is to human’s disrespect, the exchange only then lets the human be at ease. A man may be humble, but he must be noble at heart.
From this point of view, street beggars are not high-class, High Street busking, green tea bitch is not high-class, prostitutes are higher-class. . .
A lot of girls have such a misunderstanding, say, as long as they are responsible for the beautiful, praise him every day, you can let him earn money to support the family, in plain language is to purely use emotional value to exchange for economic value. Is this behavior acceptable?
Another girl asked, how can I get a gift from a guy who likes me?
In fact, all human relationships should be based on financial transaction. For example, to make friends, you ask the other person for a small favor and then invite them back for dinner. This is financial transaction, and through this exchange, you deepen your friendship. You can also understand the needs of the other side, in his need to help when the time to lend a hand, in your time of need, the other side will help.
For example, in a relationship, you have a boy chasing you, if you want to upgrade the relationship with him, hope that he can pay more, you can not blindly take, have to pay accordingly, such as caring, gift-giving, you pay every cent naturally have a corresponding return.
Give what you want before you take it.
But in the other case, you can openly ask for it. For example, an employee has a contract with his boss; for example, a husband and wife have a commitment.
If it is a boyfriend and girlfriend, depending on the degree of your relationship, there are different degrees of relationship also have different ways to deal with, boyfriend and girlfriend is actually an equal friend to the contractual relationship of natural transition. As your relationship progresses, the other person will naturally have more material input to strengthen the relationship and escalate into a contractual relationship. You Don’t even have to think about it.
If the other person is not committed or engaged, you back off, that means the other person is not sincere or neglectful, and then you can back off and stop giving. If the other person wants to move forward with you, you’ll have to do a lot more to keep your relationship going.
If you’re not invested or committed, don’t try to ask for gifts.
Can we trade emotional value for economic value? In fact, emotional value only in the early stages of love play a significant role, will let the other strengthen the heart. After the cardiac phase, emotional value is the emotional lubricant, not just needed.
On the other hand, the other party is also to provide emotional value, then the other party to provide you with emotional value what you give him in return? If you don’t provide as much emotional value as the other person, how can you compensate?
Of course, the Higher Your EQ, the Higher Your Score, then the other side will naturally through other points to balance your value.
The idea of trading emotional value for hard value is a good one, if you can turn emotional value into hard value. For example, the anchor industry, actors, artists, service industry, for them, the emotional value has risen to the level of hard value.
Can not rise to the height of hard value, simply provide emotional value, it is impossible to exchange hard value.
Emotional value can only play a supplementary role, and hard value is not equal exchange relationship. So, as an ordinary person, do not use this mentality to solve the problem.
As they say in the love preservation course, the most important thing in maintaining relationships with other people is hard value, which is how you attract them and build long term supply and demand relationships. The second is soft value, which lubricates your daily activities. Finally is the common experience, the realization of spiritual resonance.
One can not do without the other, but one must distinguish between the primary and the secondary.
8. You Can’t live without a backup
In real life, there are many girls have backup, they want to hand the cards as much as possible, so as to find a best choice; they indulge and enjoy the feeling of being loved and valued, and because the conditions do not meet the standard and not to be given a full job;
Some still keep their suitors in touch even when they have a boyfriend. On the one hand, they fear no one to comfort when lovelorn, on the other hand, because the other white waiting and psychological guilt. Should a person have a backup?
I have a friend, just met a boy, boy every day he called her chat, girls want someone to call me and I can not do not answer, as a friend to chat. Then we met a few times, ate, talked, watched movies.
Then the boy called her his wife, at the beginning of the call she and the boy said clearly, do not call, but he always called, and slowly she got used to. Later, boys know that girls and others to go on blind dates, there are many blind dates. And I was like, “Oh, my God.”.
Men will say, clearly know people like you, but you do not like people, should have said early, let people off the idea.
Women say, can’t a man and a woman be friends? Just because we’re having dinner and talking doesn’t mean we’re dating?
Whose Fault is it?
We all know that love requires a long-term understanding, and it is a dynamic process. It may be that you are satisfied with yourself at one moment, that you withdraw when you reveal a flaw that she can not bear, or that you do not feel at first, and it became very intimate.
On the other hand, if boys chase after girls found a lot of shortcomings, do not chase, that can say boys irresponsible?
The fact that a girl is willing to date a guy means it’s under consideration. But there are a lot of people pursue, that is not a girl can decide, should not for an uncertain person, refuse the pursuit of others? There’s nothing wrong with what a girl does.
So What’s the problem? If a girl knows she’s not gonna be with you, and she doesn’t say anything, that’s on her. If a girl knows that she doesn’t like him, and then uses his feelings to get flirtatious freeloading, that’s cheating.
But the problem is, like it or not, only the girls themselves know, we simply can not judge the girls from her behavior, in the case of no proof, we can only say that the girls are not wrong. It’s an internal logic.
Therefore, the problem can only be found in boys.
First, he should be aware of the emotional uncertainty, allow girls to have other options, and be prepared that girls don’t like him.
In turn, he should know that his feelings also need a little bit of certainty, is in dynamic change. You Don’t have to take any responsibility for your own initiative.
Second, the boy is the active side, as the passive side of the girl, there is no obligation to verbally clear the relationship, what kind of relationship can only be judged in the course of the relationship. He should learn to determine the other party’s attitude through the promotion of the relationship, without the premise of the promotion of the relationship, do not have too much fantasy.
Third, in the case of delayed promotion of the relationship, boys learn to judge the attitude of the girl by retreating, if the girl has no feedback, it is not interested in themselves.
Then there is a special case, that is, girls and boys to upgrade the relationship, still with other boys, or even operate multiple relationships at the same time, that is, we said the Green Tea Bitch.
So neither of these is a real backup, a real backup, a situation where you have a real partner and you’re still in a relationship with another member of the opposite sex. There are those who want to enjoy the unconditional love, those who want to get financial value from the other person, and those who fear that no one will fill the void left by the breakup.
Well, for whatever reason, we don’t approve of the actual practice of having a spare tire. So how do you deal with it?
The first kind of informed situation, the other side knows you have a date, still can not control their love for you, do not give up the pursuit of you.
We Can’t stop him from liking us, we’re not cheating him, we don’t stop them, but we deny them the benefit of the doubt. Because, there is no free lunch in this world, you covet their benefits, is likely to cause them later psychological imbalance, even hate you revenge, the last friend can not do.
There are a lot of people who have been cheated and hurt. Because of what? It’s the cheap stuff. That protects our first step, is not to covet small cheap, do not take advantage of the spare tire, from giving up the spare tire psychology to start.
What’s the right psychology? The friend mentality. Do not cross the line of things, do not covet each other’s cheap, only like friends to help each other, not one-sided take.
The second type of deception, needless to say, must be avoided. Let’s put ourselves in each other’s shoes. How would you feel if you knew your partner had a backup and kept in close contact?
If, in turn, you focus on the spare, can you make sure your partner doesn’t find out? If you don’t put your feelings into the other person, will they feel it? Will you show it?
This is not only a waste of spare time, but also the infidelity of a partner, there are a lot of love hidden dangers.
Therefore, whether from the point of view of the partner, or from the point of view of the spare tire, it is unfair to them, should not advocate for the spare tire.
Having a spare tire is a sign of low self-confidence and, fundamentally, of low self-worth. Real high-value people don’t need a spare. Those who are of no value, no matter how many, are of no use to us.
Because it’s hard to raise them to be high value people, you end up finding that the people who are your fallback will not be your ultimate partners, and even if they are, they will be less than satisfactory partners.
The fundamental solution is to improve ourselves, attract high value people, make friends with them, and learn to turn high value people into our partners.
9. A siege
Everyone yearns for a good love and a stable marriage. But Qian Zhongshu said, marriage is a siege, the people outside want to go in, the people inside want to come out.
It is said that marriage is both romantic love and romance, and there are trivial trivial oil and salt. Both give a person with warmth and rely on, let a person lose space and freedom. It makes people feel happy and sweet, and it makes people feel depressed and suffocated.
Now many older young people have been facing the dilemma of being urged to marry, then this siege, we should enter it? Into this siege, how to turn it into their haven from the wind, rather than their shackles on it?
Marriage, the reason is so daunting, that he is difficult, to enter into marriage, need to do a lot of preparation.
First, the marriage must have the material foundation, the marriage is not the romantic love affair, but is the actual fuel rice salt. I don’t want to go into details.
Second, be prepared.
1. Recognize the nature of love and marriage.
2. Define your rights and obligations. Raising children, family planning, mutual support, equal treatment of common property, debt repayment, and so on. See marriage law.
3. Cross boundaries, build intimacy, and balance needs. Understand the principle of demand, learn to push and pull, see My Love Preservation Course.
Third, know what type of partner you want. Waiting and searching, not settling. We can’t get married for the sake of getting married. If we don’t do enough preparation, it will not only be the loss of two people, but also the great damage to two families.
Here are some facts about marriage to help you understand the nature of marriage.
1. Marriage is not about two missing people getting what they want, it’s about two rich people walking side by side.
Many people get married to make up for lost time, to get what they want, some want to find a rich one, some want to find a beautiful one. Some want to change social class, others want to grow.
If you get married to meet your needs, it’s likely to break up the marriage when the latter needs change, or if the other person can’t meet your needs.
But we all know that marriage is inevitably about meeting each other’s needs, and focusing on what needs can prevent a relationship from falling apart? In recovery, I talked about focusing on needs that don’t change easily. You may refer to the.
So before marriage to make themselves rich, whether materially or mentally, do not want from each other what, just like your best friend, accompany you for life, share Weal and woe, that is the happiest thing.
2. Marriage isn’t about two perfect people being together, it’s about two perfect people being together.
Another version is that getting married is not that you don’t have any problems together, but that you solve most of your problems together.
It’s about how it’s hard to be perfect, but finding the right person makes marriage so much easier. The right person should have what conditions, see the factors that affect the direction of love.
3. There are three types of people in a marriage: those who are not happy with anyone, those who are happy with a particular person, and those who are happy with everyone.
The last kind of people, in fact, married or not will be happy, that is, before marriage, we have to learn how to make their own happiness, rather than happiness on the basis of marriage.
It’s hard to be perfect before you get married. That can make you rich. If it’s hard to be rich, learn to be happy. If you’re still on the road to happiness, find the right person to walk beside. That’s how I feel about love. For your information,.
When you have the above conditions, you can enter the siege of marriage.
These nine questions, which I have just described, are all common problems in relationships, grey areas filled with problem traps, with multiple interpretations, no black and white standard answers, and some of them showing a dynamic change, only when we know the actual situation can we give a referential answer. I hope that we can seriously think and sum up, in the actual consultation in a clear way of thinking, to consult this a reasonable proposal to help them out of confusion.
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