In family education, many parents are accustomed to reasoning with their children, but neglect to pay attention to their children's emotions and feelings, which brings a lot of trouble to the parent-child relationship, and even creates many unnecessary parent-child conflicts out of thin air. If parents can learn to see their children's emotions and needs behind them, many problems can be easily solved.
For example, on Sunday night, the child had not finished his homework, and he mumbled: "With so much homework, it seems that I will stay up late tonight. It's really annoying!" When the mother heard it, she responded casually: "What did you do early? I see. You are very relaxed on Friday and Saturday. I don’t know how to hurry up. It’s weird if your grades don’t drop like this!” The next situation can be imagined. A skirmish. In this case, the parents only see the truth but not the emotion. The mother only sees the principle that the child “should do the homework early”, but does not see the anxiety of the child who needs to stay up late because the homework cannot be completed.
Why is it harmful to see the truth and not see the emotion? First of all, seeing emotions is love. If the mother does not see the child's emotions, the child will think that the mother does not understand themselves and the parent-child relationship is affected. Secondly, the child's emotions are taken back by the mother and have not been released. How can he do his homework safely and efficiently?
Moreover, don't the children understand the so-called truth that the mother said? Even if the mother doesn't say anything, the child will have trouble with scheduling this time, and the next time he will naturally adjust the plan, make overall arrangements, and learn from it. This was originally an opportunity for the child to accumulate experience. As a result, the child would resist and defensive when the mother commented and complained with a taste of sarcasm. Especially adolescent children are more reluctant to accept the accusations of their parents. They instinctively think that "my mistake is better than your right", so conflicts and confrontations occur. Mother's hard work will not only fail to achieve good results, but will have a counterproductive effect.
At this time, if the mother sees the son’s emotions and feelings, she will empathize with the child and say “there is a lot of homework! What should we do?” Or pat the child to show understanding, and pour the child a glass of water, the effect It is often better than saying so much.
If you use a three-story model to express it vividly, the first floor is the emotion, the second floor is the truth, and the third floor is the effect. Many families are accustomed to go directly to the second floor when dealing with parent-child relations and husband-and-wife relations, to be reasonable, to talk about right and wrong, to see right and wrong, to see if it should be, to see if it is in accordance with the rules and ethics, or to go to the third floor to see The effect depends on the results, and it is rare to care about and experience the emotions of the other party on the first floor. During my consultation, I found that many families have long been unaware of the existence of the first floor, and their emotional space seems to be covered with dust and locked the door.
In fact, family relationships should be more on the first floor and less on the second floor. My daughter got up late one day in the third grade, and when she saw me she complained, "Dad, I blame you! You didn't wake me up, making me late." How should I respond?
Setting the alarm clock and waking up are both my daughter's own business, and it has nothing to do with me. If I think on the second and third floors, I think it’s wrong for my daughter to complain about this matter. “It’s your responsibility if you don’t set the alarm clock yourself. If you don’t reflect on yourself, how can you make progress in the future?” “If it goes on for a long time. Can my grades remain unaffected?” I said that obviously makes sense, but will the child be comfortable? Will the child still be willing to communicate with me in the future? Will the child be willing to change after explaining the truth? What if my daughter doesn't care about being late if I go back? In case my daughter confronts me from now on, is it possible to get up late... It can be seen that it is not good to reason with the child on the second or third floor.
Therefore, I gave up going to the second and third floors, and chose to stop on the first floor to understand what the child meant. I seemed to hear the emotional expression of my daughter behind it: "Dad, I'm going to be late, I'm in a bad mood." So, I replied: "Oh, I'm sorry!" In fact, I said this to express "Dad knows you are uncomfortable", that is, I saw the child's feelings. After I finished speaking, my daughter immediately calmed down and went to school happily. My approach not only calmed my daughter's emotions, but also deepened the father-daughter relationship and made complicated things simpler. All this is done on the first floor.
That night, before my daughter went to bed, I walked to her and blinked, and said softly, "Tomorrow morning, do you want my father to apologize to you?" My daughter understood that I was kindly reminding her to set the alarm clock and be on time tomorrow. Get up, smile and say: "Go away and go away!" This question and answer, no accusations, no complaints, the problem on the second floor is easily solved on the first floor, I believe my daughter will do it well, and both of us are warm in heart. .
Parents understand and make good use of this three-story model, aware of the distinction between emotion and reason, and try to care for and understand their children on the first floor when encountering problems, give them proper guidance, and set an example. Children will not only work hard, but also Full of motivation and full of confidence.
Of course, this requires long-term practice to become more and more proficient. Even if some parents understand this principle, they are unwilling to accommodate and understand their children too much, as if they can't tolerate their children being happy. Some parents will break out and become angry immediately when they encounter a child's slight offense to them, and they will not be able to control their emotions. This is the phenomenon of lack of emotion.
The emotional lack of these parents often stems from their family environment and childhood experience. They have not been well cared for and taken care of by their parents, and it is difficult for them to break through the emotional lack caused by their native families. Therefore, parents must take the initiative to perceive, think, and change, and through psychotherapy and personal growth, change the family culture code and block the transmission of lack of emotion from generation to generation.
Unwilling to accommodate the child is worried that this is indulgent. Finding a good balance requires more wisdom, knowledge, and patience.
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